update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
