can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
