Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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