She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
He kissed a someone with a penis
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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