idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
