Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
