Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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