Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
