do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
