it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Two words: blizzard sex
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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