He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
