I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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