just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
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