is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
