he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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