This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
