just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
