Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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