is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
