How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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