She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
She's the barista slut.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
