I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
