Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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