Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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