Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
