u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
