we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
