i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
