What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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