some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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