Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
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