I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
