Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
