my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
