I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
