There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
