Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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