My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
