so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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