hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
