I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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