Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
