Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
