i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
