She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
