I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
