Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
