Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
