Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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