She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
